to celebrate sensei’s tenth post and the hilarious title that goes along with it, i’ve made sure to highlight every mention of ‘ten’/change words as much as possible to resemble ‘ten’/included every possible rubbish ‘ten’ pun. it WILL get tenuous. pls enjoy
There is an avocado-themed pop-up called Avobar opening in Covent Gar-ten from the 16th February. That sentence (tensence? tentence?!!?!) appears like it should be read in a calm, reasonable and accepting voice but let me assure you it is NOT. It sounds like shrieks – so loud and piercing they overpower even the sound of Elon Musk’s unnecessary rocket taking off – emitted by a mother (we will probably cast Jodie Foster) who’s realised she’s lost her second child to the inevitable Roaming Paedophile™, only days after losing her first to the same fate. It’s pure horror, basically. We don’t need an Avobar. Avobar should be renamed Anobar. Because no.
Time to download an app called Dumb Fun, which, if you’re any self-respecting smartphone zombie, you will do purely off the title and without giving a FF for what it’s actually about. I’ll tell you what it’s about tho, cos you must know by now I take great joy in giving my ten cents on things. It’s basically Pokémon Go (it does that whole AR thing a.k.a. the cop-out version of VR) but, instead of Pikachu, it’s collage art. You’ll enjoy this if you like Arturo Herrera, Mike McQuade, the general output of Tax Collection, or most modern music posters.
DON’T LET THE RAT IN. Have u seen dis bollox. Amazon a.k.a. El Behemoth Majoris that we are all dangerously sound about letting fly unmanned robots into our homes (have you SEEN the Maxine Peake Black Mirror episode yet?!?!?) have just pa(ten)ted a new device that will tell them exactly what their warehouse employees are doing with their hands AT ALL TIMES. Appaz it’s to help guide them around the warehouse, as if humans haven’t been using their eyes and navigation skills to get around for, I dunno, 200,000 years. I mean, legit rofl. I know I sound like David Icke but this is full-fledged surveillance bullshit. They want to know when you’re looking at your phone, having a cig, doing a fiddle in the toilets, the whole ten(!!) yards. Don’t let the rat in guys.
MGMT have released their new album, it’s crap. Listen to new EP from Mukqs A.K.A Maxwell Allison, who runs and does the album artwork for label Hausu Mountain instead. Made using no laptop and no overdubs, this music has #integrity and iz plain dope.
Bonus reco is Higher Brothers that a good mate of mine (ten)tatively put on at around 4am recently, knowing that it was either going to be a huge hit or miss. It was such a massive miss that it sort of turned into a hit, so alright on the night init. It’s terrible but that’s what the twenty-first century’s all about, raight? Plus, what can I say, it’s got great tenpo. Worth a listen. A lisTEN.
You might be regretting how much you were waxing lyrical about Happy End after reading about what Michael Haneke had to say about #MeToo, in that case make sure you bag a ticket to go see Lady Bird when it opens this Friday, directed by actress and Frances Ha writer Greta Gerwig. She’s sort of like a cross between Crystal Moselle and Chloe Sevigny and her name ain’t an anagram of ‘great’ for nothing. Her forward-thinking film game and feminism fatale trump that dated Austrian director tenfold. Silly Michael Pancake.